What happened after...

They say you're never the same after loosing your mother.
They say you're life will never be the same after becoming a mother.
So what happens if those two life-changing events happen at the same time?
Let me tell you : you're lost, and you don't know how you get through it - but somehow, you wake up again in the morning (even if you haven't slept), and life goes on.

People say "I didn't know she was that sick" as an excuse for not having called, not having been in touch. Well, she had cancer. Not a cold. It's a deadly disease. What part of that didn't they understand?

People say "Little V will comfort you, and will make it easier". Well, on the contrary. V doesn't make it any easier - he makes it all far more difficult.
- when I laugh because he does something funny, I feel guilty. Who's happy when their mother has just passed away?
- when I cry because I miss my mom so much, I feel guilty. Now that I finally have what I wished for for so many years, I feel sad most of the time.
- I slept two hours the night before my mom's funeral, and the same after that most exhausting day. V's hunger doesn't take into account the fact that strong emotions already make you very tired.
- When I tried to say goodbye to my mom by going through her little things in her room, I got called away. V was hungry. No time for mourning.
- When V threw up minutes before we had to leave for the funeral, I had to leave him behind. No time to feed him, we had to be at the church in time.
- V was born and had to stay in neonatal intensive care for 7 days. At the same time my mother went to hospital for her last days. I had to choose between staying in one hospital to feed my baby, and spending what were possibly the last hours, days, in another hospital, with my mom.
- Breastfeeding can go seriously wrong because of fatigue, stress, and emotional shock. So, yes, on top of everything else, I didn't have enough milk anymore to feed little V. Resulting in feeling guilty and failing, and even more time spent on "feeding".
- the past two weeks, my life was made out of three things : trying to produce milk, being forced to rest or sleep the time in between, and doing the practical stuff for my mother's funeral. Almost no time was left to enjoy the nice things that come with a baby, like going for a walk, receiving visitors, collecting all the gifts we received, etc. I feel like a prisoner in my own apartment.
- V's birthday, and the memory if his birth, will forever be linked with the loss of my mom. I waited almost ten years to fulfill my dream - and now, sometimes, it looks like a nightmare.
- "Take good care of your dad" was one of the phrases I heard most yesterday. When or how am I supposed to do that? Believe me, in other circumstances I would be with him day and night. But as it happens, I have a three week old baby. So while we're at it, throw that as well on top of all the other guilty feelings.

So no, by no means, does V make it "easier".
But he is our little man, and I love him with all my heart.

26 August 2011

Victor Alexander was born on the 26th of August 2011, at 1.19 AM in the morning.
Today, after one of the most moving weeks of my life, we came home with our son.

The last week

So, we have officially arrived at what is "the last week of my pregnancy". Can't believe it...The last two months suddenly went by very fast.
Tiny N is still dutifully practising every single night, for about an hour. This is becoming "Giving birth in as many episodes as possible".
Last night, P and I had one more session with the fysio, and we did another practice-drive to hospital (which we really need, as it's about 1 km from our place ;-). I have a feeling the little guy is going to come now in one of the following days, somewhere between tomorrow and Sunday - but we'll see. For all we know, he may decide to stay put for another week.
From time to time, it's as if my body is producing "home-made" tranquilizers; keeping me calm even in times of extreme stress. Like yesterday, when my mother was in a very bad state, and had to go to hospital. So I guess nature is taking care of things, in its own way. And visiting friends with chocolate cake, tons of magazines and a pile of DVDs help as well, of course!

Waiting

My belly looks as if it has taken the elevator and gone two floors down. Funny sight.
And probably one step closer to getting this baby out, eventually.
I don't know how many more nights our little guy wants to "practise" before he finally decides he's ready for the real thing...I just hope I won't be completely tired out by then.
Weight has gone down again...we're back at + 7kg instead of + 8 kg. I can't even manage a complete cupcake...Now there's something to be ashamed of :-) !

P has started writing the addresses on the envelopes of the birth announcements, which felt like a pretty scary moment to me."Oh, so you mean this is really going to happen?!" Sometimes denial is the only way out of this...

Other than that, I've filled my days with watching TV, long phone calls with friends, an occasional walk around the block, staring at my computer screen, playing patience, and, highlight of this week, getting a pedicure. And reading, if I manage to concentrate on something for more than a minute.
Let's just say I'm very happy that it's finally weekend again, and that P's home.

Wires and graphs

I spent the morning in hospital, all wired up, to monitor what exactly is happening with Tiny N (and with me, obviously). The little man is doing great, nothing out of the ordinary. Mommy is having contractions, irregular in time and intensity. And mommy is completely exhausted from yet another sleepless night, but there was no graph to show that.
Now I'm basically "trapped" indoors. Walking has become quite a challenge with sciatic nerve pains, so even a walk around the block is not an option. And god knows when the next intense contraction might strike - let's just say I don't want to be standing in line at the local supermarket when it does.

Already, I'm completely bored out of my mind. I can't concentrate on anything more substantial than some reality tv, every little nook of the house has been cleaned, I can't seem to focus on any book, and I'm too wound up to sleep. Summary: I'm going crazy. These are going to be loooong days.

The things P did

Some of the great things P did this weekend for me and Tiny N:
- hold us (the best painkiller)
- waking me up with flowers on Sunday morning
- surprising me with a completely assembled Bugaboo, standing in the middle of the garage when I wanted to park my car.
- switch bedsides so that I can sleep on his fancy (and very comfy) tempur-mattress.
- And then, yesterday : spreading out what looked like a beach towel on one of our terrace chairs. For me to sit on, I assumed. Which I did. Then I started to notice a nasty smell....The beach towel appeared to be his swimming- and fitness towel of last week, which he had put there to dry. Appears there's a limit to being pampered ;-) !

Let's practise

That's what Tiny N must be thinking these days...
Saturday evening after a nice relaxing bath and last nigth at 2.00 AM : contractions. Each time for about half an hour, and then it stops...as if nothing has happened.
P has been there for me every single second. Can't do this without him.