Nursery-hunting

I know it sounds ridiculous - and in many ways it *is* ridiculous, but months before tiny N will be born, we have to start looking for daycare. Numerous phone calls to different nurseries, learned me that there is such a thing as a "waiting list"...and that the first available places are in september 2012. In other words: 1,5 year from now. That was eye-opener number one.

Eye-opener number two was my actual very first visit to a daycare centre. For - take a seat - no less than 100 babies. Sure, divided into 5 groups, but still. If I found it overwhelming, I can only imagine how a four-month old baby would perceive it. I just couldn't imagine ever leaving tiny N in such a place, and with a little help from my friends The Hormones, I came home crying.

Visit number two took place today, and took me back 32 years in history. 'Cause this nursery is actually "familiar territory". My mom used to be a kindergarten teacher here, and this was the place where I went to school for the very first time in my life. It was different than the first one in every single aspect. 20 babies maximum. Warm & cosy. Familiar atmosphere and super friendly people. And less than 5 minutes from our doorstep. I felt at home. If tiny N has to go to a "crêche", than this is the one.

That only leaves the small obstacle of sure, yet another waiting list...until october 2012.
"Just waiting" however isn't in P's dictionary.
"Find out who's on the board. Look them up on Linked-in. See if we have connections we can use". Next thing I know, I'll be offering them a bribe. Free language classes, anyone?

Worry nr. 1001

I have a thousand worries and things that stress me out about "life after giving birth".
- How will I manage a needy baby 24/7?
- How will I deal with it on my own, with P's working hours?
- How will I cope with the sleepless nights?
- Who will take care of me, from time to time?
- How will I survive the raging hormones?
- How will P feel as a daddy?
- How will I feel in that life-determining role as "mommy"?
- How will my body recover from that horrendous ordeal?
- How long will I suffer from numerous pains and aches?
- How will I feel as "feeding machine"?
- When will my body feel "sort of okay" again?

P, on the other hand, seems to have only one main concern:
"You won't be a fatty afterwards, will you? 'Cause that's scary."

So add Worry nr 1001:
- How can I look like a topmodel a few weeks after my body has been stretched way over its limits?

It's a..................

BOY!
That's right, tiny N is actually kind of a tiny P :-) .
Some people are very happy with this (my dad, who only ever had me, i.e. a girl), some people are a bit disappointed that it's not a girl (P's mom, who only ever had boys, i.e. P and his brother), other people are indifferent and just happy (P & I :-) .

As of last week, when we had the "visual evidence" on the ultrasound, I've been thinking about boys' names. One of our favourites is already taken (twice!) in our close circle of friends..so...at this point we're a bit clueless. I have a list of names I really like, but I wish P would give some input as well. I know, I know, we still have time..but choosing a name is fun, and makes it all so much more "real"!
(although my growing belly is "real" enough right now, to tell you the truth. I'm starting to feel like a land whale).

Tricky thing about the whole name business, is that it has to sound good in several languages - Dutch and Spanish to begin with. Add French and English while we're at it. And I want it to have a nice meaning too.
But for now: tiny N will remain known as "tiny N"!

4 months!

From head to rump (so not counting the legs), tiny N is now about 4 inches (or a bit over 10 cm). (I wonder why none of the books or sites give the length *with* the legs - seems a bit unfair...)
I still feel him/her from time to time: when I'm eating, when I'm swimming, and mostly, when I'm feeling very relaxed.

 Everybody's kind of surprised about how much my little bump has grown in just one week.
I'm feeling all sorts of things about this:
- relief : it's now very obvious that I'm pregnant - and not fat
- surprised : every time I see a glance of myself in a mirror, shop window, etc
- scared : nature is doing whatever it has to do. it's out of my hands
- insecure : in a very short time, my body changed enormously
- proud : yes, that too

But...and here it comes...what no one told me, and what I never would have guessed, is that getting this pregnant belly can hurt like crazy. Hurt like in "I have to double over and catch my breath". Apparently, I have been "blessed" with was is known as "ligament pains". And the more "petite" you are, the more stretching and growing those ligaments have to do, and the more it hurts. There's basically nothing you can do against them; just suffer through (and think, somewhere in the back of your mind, that this is probably just the tip of the iceberg...).

Other body parts have also ignored my pleads to stop growing, and have decided that they should keep up with my expanding belly. In fact, my body can now be summed up as: three big bumps, with two short legs under it. And, yes, don't remind me, still 5 months to go.

Still no sign of the so called "pregnancy glow / great skin / great hair". My face is still covered in spots, every day is a bad-hair-day, and yes, well, from time to time, my cheeks might be a bit more pinkish than usual. But, due to the gallons of body milk and nivea, still not a stretch mark in sight. Pfew.

And then there's the hunger. P already compared me to Atilla the Hun. And sometimes I wonder how much I actually have to eat to stop being hungry. It's as if my body is trying to make up for the three months of barely eating anything. I'm now back at my "weight before pregnancy", and I guess the only way is up...

As for my head: things are going from bad to worse. I give the TV remote when people ask me to pass them the phone. I miss my metro-stop. And  all my other blunders I have forgotten (how convenient). I'm still very stressed about a list of things - and I can't seem to put things into perspective or keep a clear mind. Whatever little rationality I had, seems to be completely gone.

So far the 4-month status update! Friday another ultrasound at the hospital...maybe revealing the big boy / girl question!

Mental note on ironing

Maternity clothes : lots of spandex, elastan.
Spandex, elastan : don't like a hot iron.
Please remember these lines should you ever get pregnant, and iron your first set of maternity clothes.
Then, at least, my screwing up will not have been completely in vain.

Our first vacation with Tiny N (sort of..)

P and I (and Tiny N) are back from a week-long break with friends in Tel Aviv, Israel.
It was great - although not always very easy. I realised once again how quickly I get tired - which is quite frustrating when you're used to active holidays. After a day of discovering either Tel Aviv, Jerusalem or the Dead Sea, I felt completely and utterly exhausted - up to the point of really feeling sick.
Not to mention the practical implications of needing to find a bathroom about every 30 minutes...

Anyway, thanks to P's patience, love and understanding, and thanks to our friends' wonderful hospitality, it was an amazing holiday! The proof: I gained 2 kilo's, and the "little bump" decided to double in size!

Proud

For once, I'm pretty damn proud about myself.
Not only did I manage to slow down (I took a day off), but... this morning, this pregnant girl, was offered a job! I'm a bit overwhelmed, as I was so not expecting this, but mostly, yes, feeling good!
Me & tiny N, we're a winning team :-) !

Slow down

That was the main advice of the doctor today.
Up until now, I've tried to continue my life as if nothing has changed. I don't want to be a "burden" to anyone. So I get up in the morning, run from one class to the next, (feeling more not well than well), and manage to go on a jobhunt in between. Continue to swim almost 2 km, and go to the gym once a week. Hop on the city bikes and drive around town. Run to catch that bus. Carry all the heavy bags that need to be carried. And so on.
But now, there are some big red flash lights going off. Such as "hard bellies" - which appear to be early contractions. My body that is simply refusing to do one more step, and is literally making me fall down (yes, today, I fell once more down the stairs in a subway station). Then there's also the diziness, and several other little aches that tell me my body is by now yellling at me to take it one gear down.

All I wanted was to be "brave", I guess. To show P "you see, nothing has to change! I can still do all of it, even if I'm pregnant. Hell, I can even do more and find an extra job right now".
I guess it's time to face reality. To put all pride aside - and to realize that maybe I am not, but inside me, there is someone who's very vulnerable.

 Inside me, there's a tiny human being that's probably going to be with us for the rest of our lives. Everything I do now, affects him/her in one way or another. I know that stress affects him. I now too much fatigue can affect him. I know that a nasty fall can affect him. And I know that the bard bellies can simply put an end to him.

So maybe I won't have the perfect body to show afterwards if I don't swim all my laps. Maybe I won't be able to pay all my shares if I don't find another job. But all of this, let's face it, is temporary. The baby is not. Tiny N has to be okay. He or she is not temporary - but is now in a really important phase in  his life, and needs all the possible care and protection I'm able to give.
If that means "taking it slow" - then I have to accept that. And hopefully others will understand too.

Other news from the doc is that more medical tests are once again needed. Some results from the first trimester ultrasound are not as positive as we had hoped. And although she didn't seem all too worried, I am. Very much so. Which is making me realize even more how much I care for tiny N. I don't want anything to be wrong or go wrong with him/her.