Spilling a few beans

You  know what one of the best things about this pregnancy is , so far?
The reactions of some good friends. Friends who, on more than one occasion, have listened to my desperate complaints on how "I was never going to be a mom, and might just as well give up on the whole idea". Old friends, and new friends.
One friend even got teary eyes because she was so happy for me. That while I, one year ago, walked out of her birthday brunch, after her pregnancy announcement.

2 weeks to go, and then the beans can spilled on a larger scale. I really can't wait. The not telling-part is so hard on me!
-What, N, no fresh icecream?!?
-Uhm, no, I've turned allergic to raw eggs overnight.
-N - no wine, sure?
- No, I'm still recovering from Newyear's...
- But you didn't drink anything on Newyear's!!
- Oh, yeah, I meant Christmas...
And then there's the litlle bump (and the Pamela Anderson-imitation) - I want people to stop thinking I'm just getting fat!
2 more weeks....

9 weeks

Voilà, there she/he is : tiny N!  9 weeks old, the size of a large grape.
I found this picture on the web - and thought it terribly cute. Until I started reading a bit further. Apparently, this tiny dol is given to women who consider an abortion, to "help" them in taking a decision.
I don't know how to feel about this. Sure, you don't have to deny the truth: this is your baby at 9 weeks. But on the other side: every woman has to decide what's best for her. There can be many reasons why having a baby is not the best option. I believe that having to take such a decision is already hard enough in itself, why make it even harder?

Anyway; I'm still happily pregnant (and an emotional pinball), and next week I'll get another peek at tiny N!

Bump

Over the last two months, my pea's pod more than doubled in size. From the size of  a small egg to an oversized grapefruit. So yes, it's already getting pretty crowded below the waistline. My belly feels thight and too small, with lots of strange pulling, pushing, stretching sensations going on. And with, as of this week, a little visible bump.
Other than that, it's now 3 o'clock in the morning, and I'm too nauseous to sleep. (although the rest of the week I felt fine and hungry the whole time).
We've also passed the two-months milestone, so during the next few weeks tiny N will grow even faster than before. And my little bump as well :-)

A mom needs a mom

I cannot imagine being a mom without my mom. I need her - more than ever.
Today, we learned that the months of heavy chemo-therapy haven't done a single thing. And I just can't take it. She's been fighting for almost three years now.
Why can't we just be happy, and look forward to tiny N - without having to worry if my mom will still be with us...It's all so unfair. Tiny N needs two grannies, and I really need a mom.

First lullaby

Yesterday evening, while going to bed.

N humming silently to tiny N

“little baby, little baby, grow little baby, grow, grow, grow…”

<Insert sound : loud screeching brakes of sports car>

“ I mean, okay, uhm, grow, but not too much okay? Try to stay as small as possible, plenty of time to grow, you know, *afterwards*. Okay? Deal?”

Science-fiction

Another being (alive!) is growing inside of you. It entirely lives on your resources, and it gradually sucks up all your energy. It even makes you sick from time to time.

Let's be honest: it's the plot of numerous sience-fiction movies, in which an alien uses your body as a pod until it's grown full-size and can take over. Only the people closest to you notice that there's something "slightly wrong" - but by then it's too late. "Invasion of the body snatchers" - sounds familiar?

In real life, all of this is called "being pregnant". There's this tiny creature hiding in your belly, and it's causing major havoc. Telling  you what to eat and what not. Making you go to bed at 8 PM. Playing with your emotions. Etc, etc.

From time to time I still think it's too weird to be true, and I'll  wake up any minute. Which would be a shame, 'cause I already love my little alien body snatcher.

Spotty

I’ve never been this spotty in my whole damn life. Nope, not even as a teenager. And guess what? There isn’t a thing I can do about it. Even a lot of over the counter anti-acne creams have ingredients that can be harmful for the baby.

So what advice does the worldwide web give?

- wash your face every day (oh! that’s a new concept!)

- buy  facial cream from an unknown brand “Bellie” for only 22 $  (right…)

- Don’t use products with vitamin A or retinol in them (can also be harmful)

- “Don’t worry. It’s normal” (yeah, that will make it go away overnight)

- Drink lots of water (I drink gallons of water, and the only effect is even more sprints to the bathroom)

Voilà – as I told you: not a thing I can do about it. And I guess getting more desperate every time I look in the mirror doesn’t help either.

1.2 cm

I'm still too overwhelmed (and by now too tired) to write anything sensible. P and I saw and heared tiny N today - for the first time. We heared the heart beat, and we clearly saw the little creature of 1.2 cm on the ultrasound. This is the second time in my life that my breath was literally taken away (first time was when a huge whale swam under our tiny rubber boat in Argentina).

P managed to be there for this first encounter. In between meetings, and with his crazy schedule. Making me the happiest girl in the world.

So it's real. It's there. I can't deny it anymore. I'm really pregnant!

11-1-11

I could've picked no better date for the FIRST visit to the gyneacologist.
And I'm very scared and very nervous.

Swimming and cycling

Two other "firsts" as a pregnant girl this weekend.
This morning : swimming, together with P. It went great! I felt in supershape, and did no less than 60 laps.
This afternoon : cycling through Brussels. I was terrified and very close to tears. In short: it was aweful. I was just so scared of falling, of getting hit by a car, ... P didn't really get it, and well, neither did I (because I concider myself an experienced cyclist in Brussels). Fact is that I felt very afraid on my bike...

In the mean time, tiny N has tiny arms and tiny legs. Even tiny fingers and tiny toes.

Grandparents to be

Et voilà, all the grandparents now know that they are going to be grandparents! P's mom already knew, and today I told my parents - who are simply over the moon. My mom asked me about five times today "this isn't a dream, isn't it? I'm not dreaming this, right?" - which sums about up how I still feel sometimes about tiny N.

Other "big events" of today: some parts of me now positively look like Pamela Anderson. Baywatch here I come. My mom bought me a beautiful outfit in my favourite shop (belly-proof). And I finally found black boots that I like (and that fit!). Woohoo, sexy momy in the making ;-) !

The best way to loose those extra Holiday-pounds

is to get pregnant. I know this is short-term, but really.
This morning I effortlessly fitted into my skinny jeans. I'm swimming around in my normal jeans. (only my bra's refuse to participate in this game, and keep getting smaller and smaller).

It's not hard to figure out: I can barely eat. No, I'm not hunched over the toilet (yet), and most of the time I feel quite okay. But I haven't felt hungry in days. I just don't feel like eating - and when I do, whatever I've eaten is bound to play around in my stomach the whole day. Add to this the whole list of things that I'm not allowed to eat anymore, and "food" is becoming quite an issue.
So for more than a week now, dinner has been yoghurt and a whole grain cookie. An the occasional apple. And my pregnancy-vitamines. Lunch is usually a few bites more of the lightest thing I can find, and which doesn't contain any lettuce, raw meat, fish, etc.

Thank God all the sites and books claim this is "normal" - and there's no need to feel guilty. Right now I still need to have breakfast. All I could manage so far was a cup of tea. I think I'll go for another yoghurt. (never ate so many yoghurts in my goddamn life - hell, I didn't even like yoghurt before!).

How to tell your employer you're pregnant

You don't.
You just bump into him in your local library, your arms filled with pregnancy-books.
Then you smile sheepishly and says something along the lines of  "yeah, 2011 will be an interesting year!"

Lentil

Tiny N is growing fast! According to my internet-calculator, he/she is now 6 weeks, and the size of a lentil. Looking very much like your average tadpole (things can only improve, right?). I'm counting the days until my first doctor's visit, which is next week Tuesday. I have sooo many questions!

Today, I went to the gym for the second time as a "pregnant woman". Which means I'm tired twice as fast, and I can do about half of my work-out. But I won't give up! I need muscle-power! (and okay, the belly can grow huge all it wants, but can my butt please stay more or less the way it is and not expand anymore?)

I also went to the supermarket. Gagging all the way through the bakery department, and trying to block the smells covering my face with my scarf (yes, I got weird looks). God, how I hate bread these days.

One more thing: I think my mom is on to me. Or why else would she ask "how are you feeling today?" every single time I have her on the phone? Why else would she have given me all of my medical documents "because they were still in my old desk, and maybe I'd need them?". I'm telling you: she knows. Like she always does when I try to hide something from her.

Side-effects

- Thank God, the bathroom-marathons have ended. Although not completely.
- When I'm too active, I get hit by a wave of diziness, and I'm feeling slightly nauseous.
- Me running down the stairs must be a funny sight, 'cause I can't do it anymore without holding my boobs.
- I can get really hungry - then I eat two bites, and I feel like I've had three courses.
- I hate bread. And for a person who used to live on sandwiches, believe me, that's not convenient.
- Green tea goes the same way as bread.
- I can't stand the perfume anymore my mom has been wearing for more than 20 years
- That being said: my already sensitive nose has even doubled its capacity to pick up nasty smells. Dog poo on the street? Don't worry - I won't step into it. I smell it from 10 metres away. But taking the subway, tram or bus has become a nightmare.
- Cramps, and more cramps. As if I'm going to get my period any minute. Apparently that's normal. Just things growing and making more space down there.
- And what about "fatigue"? Hell, no. I wonder what my adrenaline levels have been the past few weeks. I cleaned out every single cupboard, closet, and wardrobe in the house. Sleep is a very rare thing, and white nights are the rule rather than the exception
- I look so pale that people don't stop asking me whether I'm ill.
- Last but not least: I'm cold ALL the time. Even with 5 layers of clothing and a fleece blanket.

Communication

Today, without realizing what I was doing, I talked for the first time to tiny N. About food.
I had been craving pizza for days. Today, I had a free lunch break = perfect pizza-opportunity.  After I was done, I put my hand on my belly, looked down, and said : "there, tiny N, you finally had your pizza. Happy now?"
Only to realize a fraction of a second later "shit, what am I doing?".
Not that I don't want to "bond". I just want to play it save. We haven't reached the three-months milestone yet, and well...a lot can go wrong.

Expecting unexpectedly

Getting pregnant completely unexpected is no small thing.
There are moments that I really don't know what to do.
Tomorrow Christmas Holidays are over, and it's back to work. How will I do that now that my brains have stopped working?
Tiny N is now the size of a sesame seed, and has a microscopic beating heart (or so they say).