What happened after...

They say you're never the same after loosing your mother.
They say you're life will never be the same after becoming a mother.
So what happens if those two life-changing events happen at the same time?
Let me tell you : you're lost, and you don't know how you get through it - but somehow, you wake up again in the morning (even if you haven't slept), and life goes on.

People say "I didn't know she was that sick" as an excuse for not having called, not having been in touch. Well, she had cancer. Not a cold. It's a deadly disease. What part of that didn't they understand?

People say "Little V will comfort you, and will make it easier". Well, on the contrary. V doesn't make it any easier - he makes it all far more difficult.
- when I laugh because he does something funny, I feel guilty. Who's happy when their mother has just passed away?
- when I cry because I miss my mom so much, I feel guilty. Now that I finally have what I wished for for so many years, I feel sad most of the time.
- I slept two hours the night before my mom's funeral, and the same after that most exhausting day. V's hunger doesn't take into account the fact that strong emotions already make you very tired.
- When I tried to say goodbye to my mom by going through her little things in her room, I got called away. V was hungry. No time for mourning.
- When V threw up minutes before we had to leave for the funeral, I had to leave him behind. No time to feed him, we had to be at the church in time.
- V was born and had to stay in neonatal intensive care for 7 days. At the same time my mother went to hospital for her last days. I had to choose between staying in one hospital to feed my baby, and spending what were possibly the last hours, days, in another hospital, with my mom.
- Breastfeeding can go seriously wrong because of fatigue, stress, and emotional shock. So, yes, on top of everything else, I didn't have enough milk anymore to feed little V. Resulting in feeling guilty and failing, and even more time spent on "feeding".
- the past two weeks, my life was made out of three things : trying to produce milk, being forced to rest or sleep the time in between, and doing the practical stuff for my mother's funeral. Almost no time was left to enjoy the nice things that come with a baby, like going for a walk, receiving visitors, collecting all the gifts we received, etc. I feel like a prisoner in my own apartment.
- V's birthday, and the memory if his birth, will forever be linked with the loss of my mom. I waited almost ten years to fulfill my dream - and now, sometimes, it looks like a nightmare.
- "Take good care of your dad" was one of the phrases I heard most yesterday. When or how am I supposed to do that? Believe me, in other circumstances I would be with him day and night. But as it happens, I have a three week old baby. So while we're at it, throw that as well on top of all the other guilty feelings.

So no, by no means, does V make it "easier".
But he is our little man, and I love him with all my heart.

26 August 2011

Victor Alexander was born on the 26th of August 2011, at 1.19 AM in the morning.
Today, after one of the most moving weeks of my life, we came home with our son.

The last week

So, we have officially arrived at what is "the last week of my pregnancy". Can't believe it...The last two months suddenly went by very fast.
Tiny N is still dutifully practising every single night, for about an hour. This is becoming "Giving birth in as many episodes as possible".
Last night, P and I had one more session with the fysio, and we did another practice-drive to hospital (which we really need, as it's about 1 km from our place ;-). I have a feeling the little guy is going to come now in one of the following days, somewhere between tomorrow and Sunday - but we'll see. For all we know, he may decide to stay put for another week.
From time to time, it's as if my body is producing "home-made" tranquilizers; keeping me calm even in times of extreme stress. Like yesterday, when my mother was in a very bad state, and had to go to hospital. So I guess nature is taking care of things, in its own way. And visiting friends with chocolate cake, tons of magazines and a pile of DVDs help as well, of course!

Waiting

My belly looks as if it has taken the elevator and gone two floors down. Funny sight.
And probably one step closer to getting this baby out, eventually.
I don't know how many more nights our little guy wants to "practise" before he finally decides he's ready for the real thing...I just hope I won't be completely tired out by then.
Weight has gone down again...we're back at + 7kg instead of + 8 kg. I can't even manage a complete cupcake...Now there's something to be ashamed of :-) !

P has started writing the addresses on the envelopes of the birth announcements, which felt like a pretty scary moment to me."Oh, so you mean this is really going to happen?!" Sometimes denial is the only way out of this...

Other than that, I've filled my days with watching TV, long phone calls with friends, an occasional walk around the block, staring at my computer screen, playing patience, and, highlight of this week, getting a pedicure. And reading, if I manage to concentrate on something for more than a minute.
Let's just say I'm very happy that it's finally weekend again, and that P's home.

Wires and graphs

I spent the morning in hospital, all wired up, to monitor what exactly is happening with Tiny N (and with me, obviously). The little man is doing great, nothing out of the ordinary. Mommy is having contractions, irregular in time and intensity. And mommy is completely exhausted from yet another sleepless night, but there was no graph to show that.
Now I'm basically "trapped" indoors. Walking has become quite a challenge with sciatic nerve pains, so even a walk around the block is not an option. And god knows when the next intense contraction might strike - let's just say I don't want to be standing in line at the local supermarket when it does.

Already, I'm completely bored out of my mind. I can't concentrate on anything more substantial than some reality tv, every little nook of the house has been cleaned, I can't seem to focus on any book, and I'm too wound up to sleep. Summary: I'm going crazy. These are going to be loooong days.

The things P did

Some of the great things P did this weekend for me and Tiny N:
- hold us (the best painkiller)
- waking me up with flowers on Sunday morning
- surprising me with a completely assembled Bugaboo, standing in the middle of the garage when I wanted to park my car.
- switch bedsides so that I can sleep on his fancy (and very comfy) tempur-mattress.
- And then, yesterday : spreading out what looked like a beach towel on one of our terrace chairs. For me to sit on, I assumed. Which I did. Then I started to notice a nasty smell....The beach towel appeared to be his swimming- and fitness towel of last week, which he had put there to dry. Appears there's a limit to being pampered ;-) !

Let's practise

That's what Tiny N must be thinking these days...
Saturday evening after a nice relaxing bath and last nigth at 2.00 AM : contractions. Each time for about half an hour, and then it stops...as if nothing has happened.
P has been there for me every single second. Can't do this without him.

A life for a life

Becoming a mother and losing your mother.
Can anybody tell me how you have to do them at the same time?
Yesterday the doctor told my parents there's nothing left they can do for her.
And here I am...facing what is supposed to be nothing but bliss and happiness.
This morning I barely had the strength to get up and dressed. How can I give birth, and take care of tiny N?

Tiny N has a name!

The last things on our to-do list are checked! Meaning we have birth announcement cards, and "suikerbonen" - a typical Belgian sweet (what else but chocolate), given to family and friends whenever a baby is born. AND.....we have a name!
Apparently our little man decided to dance the night away to celebrate this event, leaving his mommy completely and utterly exhausted to start her last week at work...

A month, a week

Less than a month until my official due-date (26 days, to be precise), and still a week at work to get through.
Our little man is getting heavier every day - it feels like my life is one big continuous work-out session. And I honestly can't remember what it feels like to be NOT tired.
With his growing, there's simply no space left for anything else in my belly.Food goes in in tiny portions, if at all. And his slightest move makes me run (well, more waddle) to the bathroom.
But it is so great to feel how he's "ready". He reacts to noise, touch, voices,...and sometimes it definitely feels as if he's trying to find a way out! Let's hope it takes him a few more weeks to figure out how...

The baby room

Just the 2.8 of us

We might not have a government for more than a year now, but at least we still have our national holiday, which was last Thursday - the perfect excuse for a very long weekend. P and I enjoyed it right here in Brussels, with typical Belgian summer weather (= rain and not warmer than 20°C - but no complaints from my side). And although we did nothing very special, I had a great time:
- walk through Brussels with P (realising that we still had all our hands and arms to hold eachother, instead of a Bugaboo)
- go to the cinema (without having to organise a babysit)
- have lunch at Mc Do (which is special, if it's the first food that actually tastes good in weeks)
- just relax at home, watching crapy reality TV shows together
- have brunch with friends
- go to the last sales and buy stuff for ourselves for once (instead of shopping for Tiny N)
In other words : I really, really enjoyed the long weekend with P.
Tiny N was there with us, kicking all the time, but I'm happy that for once we didn't do any baby-related things. To me, those couple of days off were very special.
As of tomorrow, it's back on the baby-track, with puff class on Tuesday morning, breastfeeding info-session on Wednesday evening, and doctor's visit on Friday afternoon!

Tiny N is not so tiny anymore

Our little man weighs almost 2 kg - estimated weight at birth is 3.300kg., and he's about 40 cm long. He's got five little toes on each foot - the doc and I counted them together on the ultrasound, and apparently he was doing some very serious thinking (scratching his head with one of his little fists).
What's very funny at this stage, is that I really feel that he's becoming a little person. He reacts to sounds, to movements, and he has his own little schedule. And he has hickups - sometimes several times a day - but apparently it helps if I rub where his back is supposed to be. Oh, and one more thing we saw on the ultrasound : he's got hair :-) !

While he's in supershape, mommy's feeling a bit less grand. Dizzy spells all day long, and hello good old friend morning sickness (although forget the "morning" part). Of course - you've guessed it - as with all other complaints, "it's completely normal". Due to a change in  hormones (you've got to love them) as your body is preparing for birth, you can get nauseous again in the third trimester. So it's back to force-feeding myself - only for Tiny N's sake. For more than a month, I haven't gained a single gram - only lost a kilo from time to time when it got really bad - and done my very best to gain it back again.
When I don't feel dizzy, about to faint, or nauseous, I actually feel very good and with more energy than before. So over the past few weeks it has happened more than once that I think "wow, I feel great, let's do this, this, and that", only to wind up lying on the floor of a tiny fitting room, covered in cold sweat, gasping for air, my heart ready to jump out of my chest. (as you see, "taking it slow", is still the biggest challenge for me during this pregnancy!)

What else this week? I've washed and neatly folded all the baby clothes, I've washed the sheets and made his little bed (okay, call it "nesting" if you want), and I've finally learned some breathing techniques and positions to help me through labour. The girl who gave the session had a baby herself three months ago - and her enthousiasm and confidence was really inspiring - and contagious. For the first time I dared to think "okay, I can do this". Let's keep that thought.

A lot in one week

In just one week :
- I ordered all the "bare baby-necessities" online (they got delivered today, and I just finished dragging them up the stairs)
- I bought all the baby-room furniture (2 hours in an overcrowded IKEA)
- My dad and I emptied the guest room, and assembled all foresaid furniture
- All the sheets etc for the decoration of the baby-room (that I ordered from Amazon) got delivered as well (and lost at the post office, but in the end, after suffering from a slight nervous breakdown, everything was found)
- P and I went to a pre-natal class on going into labor and the delivery itself. Very interesting - but at the same time the best birthcontrol method I've ever seen. Seriously, everybody only concidering a baby, should go first to one of these, and if then you still want one...well then, I guess, as the saying goes (but to be interpreted quite literally here) "you would die to have a baby". I now know that the average labour-time for a first one is around 10 hours (not counting previous irregular contractions), and the pushing itself can last up until 2 hours (or even longer if you have an epidural). Oh joy. I seriously don't know how I'm going to do it.

The worst part is that there's simply nothing you can do to prepare yourself. You have exams - you study all night and you give it all you've got. You have to give a presentation - you do it in front of a miror until you've got it right.You want to run a marathon - you train that body. You want to loose weight - you go on a diet. Etcetara. And in all the above, "not doing" is still an option.
Here : I don't even know what I'm up against, and there's no such option as giving up or failing. I try to do all I can to get ready - infosessions, physio, ... - but it all feels so useless. And not helpful. What good will it do to know for instance that they will "cut" down there during a contraction, because then you're in such pain, that you don't even feel them cutting?
God, let's just stop writing about is as well, because that's not really helpful either.

Focus on the positive :
- the baby-room looks really cute,
-tiny N is doing well - kicking and moving around day and night,
-P is confident that "I"ll do just fine",
-with all the pricing-research the baby-budget is still very much under control;
- next week, we'll see tiny N again in 3D!
- in less than 8 weeks, we'll have our baby-boy in our arms.

Beach-time

Tiny N made his first long walks on the beach. Although he didn't have to do anything - just float around in his personal jacuzzi. But the effect the sea-air had on us was amazing. I hadn't felt that good in weeks, and with me feet in the fresh water, I felt as light as a feather again (okay, maybe a whole geese farm of feathers).
Slight moment of fear this morning, when I got weighed at the doctor's. Because Belgian coast also means waffles, icecream, and just great food in general. But apparently all the walking (and being sick last week) took care of that. So a nice status-quo at 59 kg. 7 kg gained, in other words, since day one of the pregnancy. Although when I look at the pictures taken this weekend, I have the impression I more than doubled in size (horizontally, that is - unfortunatelly not vertically).

Being at the sea was also a perfect opportunity to dream about the future : build sand castles with tiny N, fly kites, eat icecreams together, go the the playing ground, drive funny go-carts, collect sea shells ... We'll definitely do all that little man, so stop kicking your mom's ribs for a moment :-).

Shopping therapy

Voilà, it's done. I took a deep breath, and let myself go on Amazon. Bedding set, plaid, mobile, carpet, bedlamp, wall stickers for tiny N's room. Theme : "travel" (cars, boats, airplanes and trucks). This is it :

I know that babies can only see what's in a 20 cm range, and I know that our little man couldn't care less if his room is green, blue or orange. But let's just say that this is part of the welcoming ritual. And of me facing reality.

10 weeks to go

Could be more, could be less. But it's a nice number to start the final countdown. And maybe to start actually preparing the arrival of this baby. Because at this point, nothing is done yet. No baby room, no name (although the short list exists), no godparents, no birth announcements, ...
So I almost choked when the doctor asked me if I had already prepared "ma valise" to go to hospital. Now I can barely look at a pack of diapers without experiencing an anxiety attack - let alone that I'm able to prepare "ma valise"...But okay, apparently it's something that has to be done once you've crossed the 7-months milestone. And when I read the list of what has to be in this "valise", I want to run away even harder. "Disposable underpants" - come again? Sanitary pads, breast pads - okay, I've got it - I will be leaking from all sides and it won't be pretty. Whoever designed the female body to do all this, made some serious engineering mistakes, if you ask me.

P on the other hand is very active in preparing. He managed to get his hands on a maxicosi and isofix carkit; he is a specialist when it comes to buggies; he knows what to look for to determine the right daycare centre, etc. Meanwhile, my head becomes foggier by the minute, and I'm lucky if I even remember to drink the cup of tea I've prepared for the third time.

Luckily, the doctor told me that I'm not a complete nutcase to have all these fears - and that every new mother faces them, sooner or later, before or after birth. And while I sat mumbling away in French, she managed to clearly put into words exactly how and what I felt. She also advised me to go see and talk to someone - which is what I might do. I really want to be able to relax, to be happy and to enjoy this for the last two monts. And actually prepare for the big adventure.

Just one more thing :
telling me how difficult and exhausting the first months are, how utterly painful breastfeeding is, how the delivery can last for 24 hours or longer, how your relationship is bound to suffer and change, how your body will never be the same afterwards, how you have absolutely no time left for yourself, how an epidural can go wrong, how the episotomy can ruin your sex life for more than a year, etc, etc.....All that is really NOT helping me. Even if it's told with the best intentions. Even if it's followed by a weak "but it's also nice, you know". I hope everybody got the message.

Cry-baby

Well, what can I say? It goes on. And on. And on. I feel like I've been pregnant for 2 years or more. I miss my old self. And I'm scared as hell.
While P is growing more and more into this ( picturing himself and Tiny N watching war movies together, going to the gym together, etc), all I'm thinking is "I can't do this!". And I'm the one who has been dreaming about motherhood for the last 10 years. I feel like one of those people who go completely crazy, and screw up everything, after winning the lottery.
I cry because P's mom tells me to look at baby stuff in the UK.
I cry because the Eurostar guard tells me I can't take my tea through security.
I have even cried with more than one Bones episode (but season 6 was a bit more emotional than usual, wasn't it? Please say "yes").
I tell P 10 times a week how much I love him, because I have this irrational fear that I'm going to loose him once this baby is born.
I spend hours, days, choosing the decoration for the nursery, and then I don't buy it, simply because I get so scared. And, yes, I end up crying again.
Maybe I should talk to my OB, although I feel she never takes anything I say seriously.

On the positive side:
I've slept better the past week. Or maybe I'm just getting used to my 5 AM wake-up calls (= Tiny N's early work-out session).
Our landlord installed a banister - so less chance of me falling down the stairs.
I found a remedy against heartburn that doesn't make me nauseous.
The leg cramps got better (but are not entirely gone).
And still no stretch marks thanks to good old Nivea.

Hello last trimester!

Here we are : the final and last trimester. I can't imagine getting any bigger or even more tired, but it's bound to happen anyway.
The few hours of sleep I get every night are filled with the most awful nightmares. To give you an idea, this week I dreamed:
- about women giving birth to elephants (scary bussiness)
- about getting kicked out of our apartment (somehow by my parents and P's mom!) and having no place to stay with the baby.
- about P leaving me for someone "who at least still looked sexy" (his words, in my dream), and taking my favourite teddy bear with him.
Then I wake up screaming as if someone is about to kill me with a knife (that one I also dreamed), and I wake up everybody else - including Tiny N (and maybe the neighbours)

For another nightly bliss - the leg cramps - relief is hopefully on its way. The doctor prescribed me magnesium tablets - which should also help against the annoying contractions I get every time I walk more than 10 minutes.

The gluco test came back with good results - I can deal with huge amounts of sugar (hey, I already knew that :-). And everything else is okay with Tiny N too. He's in very good shape, and according to the doctor, he'll weigh at least 3.5 kg at birth (I don't know if I should feel happy about this). He's happily kicking his feet against my ribs, and if I sit in a position which he doesn't find comfy, he let's me know in ways that can't be misunderstood. Sometimes I can feel his heartbeat through my belly, and I can also distinctly feel his different bodyparts moving inside me (feet,  knees, hands).

Our little man already visited Paris 2 weeks ago, and will be on his way to discover London next weekend. New York will have to be post-natal :-). I hope to find something cool for him in Harrod's (having spent next to nothing yet, I feel totally allowed). Let's just hope the magnesium will have kicked in by Friday!

Quote of the day

"Having a baby is like having a tattoo on your face"
(Viola Davis in "Eat Pray Love")

Numbers and facts

The numbers :
- our little man is now more or less 37 cm long, and weighs 1 kg
- in 1 week I'll be starting the third and final trimester
- we've got 90 days to go, or 3 months
- I've gained 6,5 kg
- my waist is now 102 cm
- as cupsize is in letters, I can keep silent about that one.
- up until now, I've spent only 60 Eur on baby clothes - which I find even more surprising than my waistline.
- we found not 1, but 2 daycare centres - and we still have to make up our minds.
- this morning, I had to drink 250 ml of the most discusting stuff ever to test for pregnancy diabetes
- I walk at the staggering speed of 2km/hour

The other facts :
- Overcoming your fears by looking them straight in the face is a psychological theory that failed big time on me. Just to say I nearly fainted while visiting the maternity ward where I'll be giving birth, and that I was in emotional shock for two days afterwards.
- I drop everything.
- I got lost walking to school (where I've been teaching for the last 2 years)
- The tiny bit of rationality I had, is also lost. It's the tyranny of emotions.(despite the futile attempt to write a blog post based on numbers and facts).
- P is the most patient, most loving dad-to-be in the whole wide world.

100

100, as in 100 days to go - more or less.
100, as in 100 cm. As in : my waistline. Or what is left of it. (great idea of mine, this little measuring experiment).
I have a waistline of 1 METER. Can you believe that? And it's only going to get bigger.
These are the remarks I get to hear on a daily basis:
"Wow, it's really *visible*!"
"C'est pour bientôt?" (= pretty soon now?)
"You're sure it's just one?"
"So, what? One more month to go?"
"It's going to be a big one!"

So, people, YES - I know I look 8 months pregnant.
And YES, I also have all the side effects of someone who's 8 months pregnant. (as in it hurts, it's bloody heavy, it's pressing against my lungs and cutting of my breath, and a good night's sleep is something I can only dream of).
But NO, I'm not carrying twins.
And NO, he's not exceptionally big. His mommy is just on the small side.
NO, it's not for "bientôt", I still have three months to go.

I think I'll put that last one on a t-shirt.

Hormones & pink clouds

I’m tired – but you already knew that. Even more annoying however, is the weepiness. I feel like I’m the baby here: needy, clingy, and constantly on the brink of tears. “Stop it”, “get a grip” I tell myself time and again, “You’ve got every damn reason to be happy”. But it doesn’t help. I want to crawl into P’s arms, away from the big, bad world. Like a toddler, I’m hanging onto his sleeve in the morning, begging him not to go to work yet. Of course, all books and websites once again tell me this is “normal”, and nothing to be worried about. It’s the hormones. And that’s it. Really helpful.

Also very helpful, is the whole what I’d like to call “pink cloud charade”. Ask anyone who’s pregnant how she feels, and you will get “oh, fine” or even “great” as an answer; even if at that moment she can’t take a seat because of the hemorrhoids. So if I, in all my honesty, blurt out “well, okay, but really tired” – I already get surprised looks.

So if you’ve never been pregnant (or had a partner who is/was), you’re bound to think it’s a walk in the park. Then you get pregnant, and your body is starting to act totally out of control. ( the only thing you knew about - the vomiting - is actually not happening). You take a look in “What to expect when you’re expecting” and you find out that it’s all completely normal.

Sometimes however, it seems I’m not the only one falling of the pink cloud.  Picture this: Saturday evening, a party for 16 people at our place. One of my friends is also pregnant, just 4 weeks ahead of me. Another girl, talking to the two of us : “But look at you two, you’re both looking great! You’re not far from your due-date, and you’re really in great shape”. Answer of my friend (said with a very big smile): “Oh no, we’re just pasting smiles on our faces. Actually, we’re really suffering right now, and we’re dead-tired”. I could’ve hugged and kissed her at that very moment. Finally, I didn’t feel like the weird, ugly duckling in the pond anymore.

First decision

There, I did it. I took the first decision about tiny N's life. It came with a few sleepless nights (what's new?), an online search about the impact of second language learning at a very early age, a first, and a second visit (only to confirm my first impressions). Et voilà : tiny N has a "crèche" or daycare centre as of January 2012.

Daddy hasn't seen it, but "trusts my instincts" - nice, but that didn't make it any easier to take this plunge. This is not a decision about yourself, about work, about some client, ...This is a decision like I never had to take one before : about our little baby - and who's going to take care of him on an almost daily basis when he'll only be four months old. Pretty important, I think.

But I'm happy that the search is finally over - no more impossible waiting lists, no more phone calls, etc. A sunny Sunday walk , and not hours of online searching, brought us coincidentally to the place we needed. A 5 minute walk from our door, friendly people, clean , a nice big garden for outdoor playing, and well, yes, the opportunity to start learning French at a very early age (still not so sure about that one, but we'll see).

Now I'm just very, very tired; I feel weepy, and I wish I could crawl in bed for the rest of the day. Just me and tiny N, giving little punches to eachother.

upside down!

Tiny N has found some new perspective! For the first time, our little man is standing (or rather floating) on his head. So the strange feeling I had in my lower belly the past few days, was finally explained by today's ultrasound.

Other new experiences of the day: I visited a daycare that a) I like, b) is within walking distance and... c) still has a free spot! So who knows...maybe that's one thing less to worry about.

I also found  a fysiotherapist for my pre-natal excercises - who at the same time runs a spa specialising in beauty and relaxation treatments for pregnant women (what more can I want?). And I have all the paper work to start planning and reserving my stay in the hospital of my choice.

There - in one day, we've suddenly made a lot of progress!

Love...

“I love you so much it hurts”

People say

And in a way

it’s true, you know

‘Cause look what love has done

In the oven there’s a little bun

Kicking his innocent mum

Giving her back aches and indigestion

Nightly nose bleeds, just for fun

“Love is all you need”

They say

And indeed  

Day after day

I discover how your hugs and kisses

Will make the little pains go away

(although the big ones stay)

“Love is a many splendored thing”

Is what they sing

And let me just begin

With your comforting words

“it’s only the hormones raging”

Or the lovely compliment

That I look like the glass bin

“Love is two hands on one belly”

Is a saying in Dutch

Which right now

Means very much

It’s you and me (and tiny P)

Getting adjusted to different shapes and sizes

There's now so much more N to love

(although my feet have disappeared, from above)

“L’amour c’est pour toujours”

Is what they say in France

And there’s quite a chance

Our little man is here to stay

So this is really all I wanted to say:

P, I love you in every possible way.

Which is quite impressive

Considering you call me massive ;-)

Second trimester ultrasound

Last week, "the whole family" went to hospital for the second trimester ultrasound. Once again, lots of measurings and testings - on screen, everthing looked perfect, now it's still waiting for the results of my "bodily fluids".
Tiny N now weighs more than half a kilo, and is almost 30 cm long from head to heel! As he's getting bigger and bigger, and more active, I can see him squirm underneath my clothes from time to time. Really funny, that moving belly!

On the side-effects radar, two new things:
- irregular, or sudden very high, heart beatings. Appears to be normal (as every other abnormal and annoying thing during this pregnancy)
- stronger (and fast growing!) fingernails! I finally have the nails I always dreamed of!

Still no sign of that great glowing skin or beautiful hair though. Quite the contrary, I might say.
And nights remain to be largely sleepless - with back pains, moving tiny N, and moving P. And me in the middle...

My "Easter egg" :-)

Happy Easter everyone!

Not ready for Easter eggs

Hey, I thought we were done with nauseousness.
What's up with this "return of the queasy feeling"?
Maybe it's all tiny N's moving around, or maybe it's just my digestion system that's under quite a bit of pressure. Literally. Whatever the reason, I'm not best friends with food.
A good night's sleep would probably do some good too. This week has been white night after white night (right, and the baby is not even born).

About babies, today on the radio : "baby Frida" was released from hospital . Who's baby Frida? Well, she was born, in Germany,  when she was 21 weeks old (same as Tiny N right now) - and she miraculously survived! Let's hope our little boy stays put for a good while longer.

Tomorrow's Easter - and right, I'm already dreaming about egg hunting together with Tiny N :-) .
Next Easter he'll be about 8 months old. Are they allowed to eat chocolate at that age? I have no clue....

Alive & KICKING !

I'm feeling more and more of tiny N's kicks. Today, I got such a strong kick that I actually saw my belly move! Evenings and nights are still his favourite time to play around, but food and yes, a live symphonic orchestra seem to do the trick as well.
He's a bit of a tease, though - 'cause every time P holds his hand on my belly, tiny N refuses to move. Only to start moving around again once P is gone. There was this one "accidental" kick P felt a few mornings back - and I found it so wonderful to share that. So every time I'm almost screaming at tiny N "MOVE NOW!!! Your dad's here!!!" But no. Stubborn little dude.

Other than kicks, I'm also feeling like I'm about to burst. I'm hungry, sure, but if I dare to eat until I'm satisfied, I feel like one of those little yellow fish that blow up (I think there was one in Finding Nemo). So now it's several small meals a day. I wonder what I'll do in a month or 2, 3. Liquid foodpackets from NASA?

Halfway!!

Look at the little dude on the timeline. See where he is?
That's right! In the middle! We're halfway - 20 weeks done, 20 to go!

New things

One of my colleagues said last week : "every week of your pregnancy holds new surprises." And I guess she's right! So what's new?
1. I discovered I get sunburned in less than 10 minutes. Even from just walking around in sunny weather, and not actually sunbathing.
2. Nosebleeds. Result of increased blood flow + swollen mucous membranes of the nose (due to high levels of estrogen and progesterone), should you be interested.
3. And last night in bed : tiny N's first real kicks! Not the wavy "fish swimming around"-feeling I had up until now, but a couple of really supercute little kicks! It came so suddenly, and it really surprised me. What a great feeling!
4. P's new set of jokes (ranging from surprise because the tram actually rides when I sit on it, from comparing me to one of those huge, round glass-recycling bins).

Bigger & better

My allergies are behaving, there's a solid remedy against my heartburn, the sun's out and I feel great! So happy and proud with my round belly - and sooooo impatient!!! God, how I wish I could already hold tiny N in my arms!!

New mom-accessories

Yes, I know it's still months away. But I always come prepared.
So that's why, a few weeks ago, I started looking at "changing bags". As you might have noticed, new moms drag along these awful, ugly, oversized bags everywhere - containing diapers, bottles, and God knows what other baby-stuff.
After one look at those changing bags, I had the exact same reaction as with the maternity bra's : "no f******* way". There had to be an alternative. Preferably a fashionable, nice looking alternative. Me, with an ugly handbag that screamed "I contain diapers"? No chance in hell.
And tadaaaaa......after spending a few hours online, I came across the "Tiny Tillia changing bags". Very reasonably priced, it has the baby-stuff, and it has loads of other small pockets for you own things. Mission accomplished :-) !

Help...

I think it's safe to say that, up until now, this has been the worst pregnancy-week.
1. Heartburn has kicked in - violently. Especially at night.
2. Spring has arrived - and with it, all my allergies. Worse than ever.
So this is what I've been going through 24/7 : itchy eyes, runny nose, non-stop sneezing, sore and swollen throat, severe headaches, completely stuffed nose and sinuses at night, piercing stomach pains every time after eating, a stomach that's on fire all night long, indigestion from anything more substantial than a cracker. All resulting in sleepless nights and complete exhaustion.

I didn't dare to take any medicine - not even a painkiller - as I want to check with my doctor first. I have a visit scheduled for Tuesday, so hopefully some relief is on its way.

Nursery-hunting

I know it sounds ridiculous - and in many ways it *is* ridiculous, but months before tiny N will be born, we have to start looking for daycare. Numerous phone calls to different nurseries, learned me that there is such a thing as a "waiting list"...and that the first available places are in september 2012. In other words: 1,5 year from now. That was eye-opener number one.

Eye-opener number two was my actual very first visit to a daycare centre. For - take a seat - no less than 100 babies. Sure, divided into 5 groups, but still. If I found it overwhelming, I can only imagine how a four-month old baby would perceive it. I just couldn't imagine ever leaving tiny N in such a place, and with a little help from my friends The Hormones, I came home crying.

Visit number two took place today, and took me back 32 years in history. 'Cause this nursery is actually "familiar territory". My mom used to be a kindergarten teacher here, and this was the place where I went to school for the very first time in my life. It was different than the first one in every single aspect. 20 babies maximum. Warm & cosy. Familiar atmosphere and super friendly people. And less than 5 minutes from our doorstep. I felt at home. If tiny N has to go to a "crêche", than this is the one.

That only leaves the small obstacle of sure, yet another waiting list...until october 2012.
"Just waiting" however isn't in P's dictionary.
"Find out who's on the board. Look them up on Linked-in. See if we have connections we can use". Next thing I know, I'll be offering them a bribe. Free language classes, anyone?

Worry nr. 1001

I have a thousand worries and things that stress me out about "life after giving birth".
- How will I manage a needy baby 24/7?
- How will I deal with it on my own, with P's working hours?
- How will I cope with the sleepless nights?
- Who will take care of me, from time to time?
- How will I survive the raging hormones?
- How will P feel as a daddy?
- How will I feel in that life-determining role as "mommy"?
- How will my body recover from that horrendous ordeal?
- How long will I suffer from numerous pains and aches?
- How will I feel as "feeding machine"?
- When will my body feel "sort of okay" again?

P, on the other hand, seems to have only one main concern:
"You won't be a fatty afterwards, will you? 'Cause that's scary."

So add Worry nr 1001:
- How can I look like a topmodel a few weeks after my body has been stretched way over its limits?

It's a..................

BOY!
That's right, tiny N is actually kind of a tiny P :-) .
Some people are very happy with this (my dad, who only ever had me, i.e. a girl), some people are a bit disappointed that it's not a girl (P's mom, who only ever had boys, i.e. P and his brother), other people are indifferent and just happy (P & I :-) .

As of last week, when we had the "visual evidence" on the ultrasound, I've been thinking about boys' names. One of our favourites is already taken (twice!) in our close circle of friends..so...at this point we're a bit clueless. I have a list of names I really like, but I wish P would give some input as well. I know, I know, we still have time..but choosing a name is fun, and makes it all so much more "real"!
(although my growing belly is "real" enough right now, to tell you the truth. I'm starting to feel like a land whale).

Tricky thing about the whole name business, is that it has to sound good in several languages - Dutch and Spanish to begin with. Add French and English while we're at it. And I want it to have a nice meaning too.
But for now: tiny N will remain known as "tiny N"!

4 months!

From head to rump (so not counting the legs), tiny N is now about 4 inches (or a bit over 10 cm). (I wonder why none of the books or sites give the length *with* the legs - seems a bit unfair...)
I still feel him/her from time to time: when I'm eating, when I'm swimming, and mostly, when I'm feeling very relaxed.

 Everybody's kind of surprised about how much my little bump has grown in just one week.
I'm feeling all sorts of things about this:
- relief : it's now very obvious that I'm pregnant - and not fat
- surprised : every time I see a glance of myself in a mirror, shop window, etc
- scared : nature is doing whatever it has to do. it's out of my hands
- insecure : in a very short time, my body changed enormously
- proud : yes, that too

But...and here it comes...what no one told me, and what I never would have guessed, is that getting this pregnant belly can hurt like crazy. Hurt like in "I have to double over and catch my breath". Apparently, I have been "blessed" with was is known as "ligament pains". And the more "petite" you are, the more stretching and growing those ligaments have to do, and the more it hurts. There's basically nothing you can do against them; just suffer through (and think, somewhere in the back of your mind, that this is probably just the tip of the iceberg...).

Other body parts have also ignored my pleads to stop growing, and have decided that they should keep up with my expanding belly. In fact, my body can now be summed up as: three big bumps, with two short legs under it. And, yes, don't remind me, still 5 months to go.

Still no sign of the so called "pregnancy glow / great skin / great hair". My face is still covered in spots, every day is a bad-hair-day, and yes, well, from time to time, my cheeks might be a bit more pinkish than usual. But, due to the gallons of body milk and nivea, still not a stretch mark in sight. Pfew.

And then there's the hunger. P already compared me to Atilla the Hun. And sometimes I wonder how much I actually have to eat to stop being hungry. It's as if my body is trying to make up for the three months of barely eating anything. I'm now back at my "weight before pregnancy", and I guess the only way is up...

As for my head: things are going from bad to worse. I give the TV remote when people ask me to pass them the phone. I miss my metro-stop. And  all my other blunders I have forgotten (how convenient). I'm still very stressed about a list of things - and I can't seem to put things into perspective or keep a clear mind. Whatever little rationality I had, seems to be completely gone.

So far the 4-month status update! Friday another ultrasound at the hospital...maybe revealing the big boy / girl question!

Mental note on ironing

Maternity clothes : lots of spandex, elastan.
Spandex, elastan : don't like a hot iron.
Please remember these lines should you ever get pregnant, and iron your first set of maternity clothes.
Then, at least, my screwing up will not have been completely in vain.

Our first vacation with Tiny N (sort of..)

P and I (and Tiny N) are back from a week-long break with friends in Tel Aviv, Israel.
It was great - although not always very easy. I realised once again how quickly I get tired - which is quite frustrating when you're used to active holidays. After a day of discovering either Tel Aviv, Jerusalem or the Dead Sea, I felt completely and utterly exhausted - up to the point of really feeling sick.
Not to mention the practical implications of needing to find a bathroom about every 30 minutes...

Anyway, thanks to P's patience, love and understanding, and thanks to our friends' wonderful hospitality, it was an amazing holiday! The proof: I gained 2 kilo's, and the "little bump" decided to double in size!

Proud

For once, I'm pretty damn proud about myself.
Not only did I manage to slow down (I took a day off), but... this morning, this pregnant girl, was offered a job! I'm a bit overwhelmed, as I was so not expecting this, but mostly, yes, feeling good!
Me & tiny N, we're a winning team :-) !

Slow down

That was the main advice of the doctor today.
Up until now, I've tried to continue my life as if nothing has changed. I don't want to be a "burden" to anyone. So I get up in the morning, run from one class to the next, (feeling more not well than well), and manage to go on a jobhunt in between. Continue to swim almost 2 km, and go to the gym once a week. Hop on the city bikes and drive around town. Run to catch that bus. Carry all the heavy bags that need to be carried. And so on.
But now, there are some big red flash lights going off. Such as "hard bellies" - which appear to be early contractions. My body that is simply refusing to do one more step, and is literally making me fall down (yes, today, I fell once more down the stairs in a subway station). Then there's also the diziness, and several other little aches that tell me my body is by now yellling at me to take it one gear down.

All I wanted was to be "brave", I guess. To show P "you see, nothing has to change! I can still do all of it, even if I'm pregnant. Hell, I can even do more and find an extra job right now".
I guess it's time to face reality. To put all pride aside - and to realize that maybe I am not, but inside me, there is someone who's very vulnerable.

 Inside me, there's a tiny human being that's probably going to be with us for the rest of our lives. Everything I do now, affects him/her in one way or another. I know that stress affects him. I now too much fatigue can affect him. I know that a nasty fall can affect him. And I know that the bard bellies can simply put an end to him.

So maybe I won't have the perfect body to show afterwards if I don't swim all my laps. Maybe I won't be able to pay all my shares if I don't find another job. But all of this, let's face it, is temporary. The baby is not. Tiny N has to be okay. He or she is not temporary - but is now in a really important phase in  his life, and needs all the possible care and protection I'm able to give.
If that means "taking it slow" - then I have to accept that. And hopefully others will understand too.

Other news from the doc is that more medical tests are once again needed. Some results from the first trimester ultrasound are not as positive as we had hoped. And although she didn't seem all too worried, I am. Very much so. Which is making me realize even more how much I care for tiny N. I don't want anything to be wrong or go wrong with him/her.

Eat baby, eat.

After 3 months of queasiness, and one week where I was hungry, but nauseaus every time I ate something more than a cracker, I'm now officially hungry. Hungry in a prehistorical "I'd kill any mammoth on my path"-way. Seriously - I've never been this kind of hungry. If you'd stand between me and my lunch or dinner, you'd better start saying your prayers.

Today, at lunch time, I had to stop myself from making a scene becausing it was taking the waiter an eternity to bring me my sandwich. I almost walked into the kitchen, where it was waiting on the counter, to get it myself. In the metro, I wanted to snatch a Mars bar right out of someone's hands. I think about food, or what I'm going to eat, non-stop.
Luckily, the amounts of food I need to still the hunger, are still quite reasonable. Tonight, a bowl of fruitsalad, 5 whole weat crackers, and two tomatoes (with lots of vinegar!) did the trick (for now, at least).
(I have it from several sources that it's not uncommon to wake up in the middle of the night, just because you're so hungry).

So here's the good news: over the last few days, I've gained half a kilo! Woohoo! (okay, that's still - 2,5 kg since day 1 of the pregnancy, but hey...).

Welcome!

To all of you, who have just arrived here through my "official" blog!
I hope you can all stand the baby-colours around here, and manage to stay around long enough to find out what's been going on in my life the last three months.

No huge underwear. And small wheels.

Is there an unwritten rule that says "Pregnant women are not supposed to be / look sexy"?
If there is, I refuse to live by it. So - no "maternity bra" for me, thank you very much.
This afternoon, tired of the morning struggle with everything in  my underwear drawer, I decided to go into one of those huge everything-for-you-and-your-baby-stores. (where I still feel I'm on some planet where I don't really belong).

Anyway, onto the underwear section. A big ad "You grow - is your bra growing with you?" - already made me wanted to turn around and run. But I had made it this far, so I decided to give it a try.
The reflection in the mirror of the fitting room was my worst nightmare coming true. I mean: my grandmother had underwear that looked sexier than this. If P saw me in that thing, our sex life would be over in a nano-second. Granted: it was very comfy. But do I really need shoulder straps that are more than an inch wide? Do I need a back strap that covers my entire shoulder blades? Do I need a bra that makes the word "cleavage" a long lost dream?  Thanks, but no thanks.
(needless to mention, the only colour / fabric option was plain white coton. Or black. How daring).

So there - I refuse to wear one of these things; Same way as I refuse to buy one of these prams with Hummer-size wheels that everybody seems to have these days. Sexy underwear, and prams that don't look like they're getting ready to participate in the next Camel Trophy race. That's all I'm asking.

Comfy and not so comfy

Out went the fancy Mandarina Duck handbag, and the cool Mer du Nord schoolbag. And in came the backpack. No, it's not a fashion statement - it's pure necessity.
I can't run around town anymore, from one client to the next, loaded with different bags like a mule. So that's why, last week, I decided to throw in the towel / bags, and go for comfort.
Moreover, the backpack is keeping me in perfect balance - little bump on the front, little bump on the back; like a camel, sort of.
So far, I'm very happy with my unfashionable decision. I'm no longer dead tired, and anyway... I'm getting used to my new "urban cool & sporty"-look. (not yet used to the expanding waistline though).

Also in the comfort-zone : I had my first cupcake in three months today! Not that I'm enormously hungry all of a sudden, but the appetite is (very) slowly returning. Still no weight-gain, but if I tell other women that, I only get deadly poisonous looks - so I'll shut up about it for now.

Outside of the comfort zone : annoying stabbing pains, causing lots of stress and panic attacks. Called the doctor, but she wasn't too worried. Checked the internet - apparently could be "growing pains" again. Luckily, my next appointment is already next week. Can't wait to see and hear tiny N again!!

A general feeling of calmness

According to "What to expect when you're expecting", I should start to experience "a general feeling of calmness" at this stage. Well, that general feeling is more than welcome. Really, anytime now. No need to call in advance. Because up until now, this pregnancy has been a source of happiness, without any doubt, but also -very much - a source of lots and lots of stress.
Stress about :
- the posibility of loosing the baby
- the 100 things I feel, always thinking that something's wrong
- not eating enough
- eating the wrong things
- people coughing and sneezing and sending all there discusting germs in my direction every time I take the tram or metro.
- all the medical tests
- the way I look (pale, skin rash, unmanageable hair, bags under my eyes, and nothing decent to wear)
- money (for all the medical tests, for maternity clothes, for a bra that fits, for all the baby-stuff)
- not getting nearly enough rest / sleep, and by now having used up all me energy reserves
- my job, and how I can keep it up (running to four different places in one day, with heavy schoolbag)
- getting refused other jobs just because I'm pregnant (happened last week)
- falling again (from the stairs, or when I'm cycling)
- my body taking all kinds of strange shapes
- giving birth (already giving me nightmares)

So yes, "a general feeling of calmness" would be more than welcome.

Latest developments

Tiny N is peeing!! Inside my body!! I'm not sure how to feel about this...

He/she also has developped all kinds of reflexes by know : sucking movements with the mouth, clenching his fists (and grabbing onto the umbilical cord, the only "toy" around there - we actually saw this on the 3D ultrasound!), curling the toes, etc! He/she can also yawn by now, or suck his tumb - how cute is that!

As for me : apparently I produce way more blood than usual (1.5 x more!) - all in tiny N's benefit of course. My brain gets less blood (what a perfect excuse :-), resulting in diziness (tell me..Who needs alcohol?). And then there's a whole list of other side effects that are new:
-being constantly out of breath (blame the hormones)
- heartburn (blame the hormones)
- strange dreams (blame the hormones)
I'm supposed to gain a kilo per pregnancy-month, but instead I lost one each month. So we're now to three kilo's down - and we should be at 3 kilo's up. No wonder I feel physically exhausted, and more tired than ever. According to the books, my appetite should be returning by now - but I can't say I'm all that hungry...

P's very sweet, pushing me to eat cookies - and at the same time teasing me with my "big belly"; not the most efficient approach :-) . The belly is getting rounder and rounder. I can completely forget about wearing any of my jeans. And some other body parts are by now simply huge. That has to stop. I mean it.

Anyway, it's time to force-feed myself again. Someone has a lot of growing to do.

First trimester : done!

Unbelievable how fast it's all going! I feel like it's just a few weeks since I found out I'm pregnant, and wham...as of today I'm officially in what's called "the second trimester".
The first three months are over - and little N seems here to stay!

Not to everyone's liking though...Today an excellent job interview took a 180° turn after I honestly told them that I was pregnant. "That changes everything" was what the recruiter literally said. I felt discriminated as a woman and quite angry. Until I realised that I much rather don't have the job, but still have tiny N instead of the other way around.
Still - it's so unfair, and there's just nothing you can do about it...I wonder if any man ever got refused a job because he was going to be a father...

I'm not the only one swimming

Yesterday, while dozing off on the couch, I felt "something" in my lower belly. This morning, while swimming, I felt it again, but stronger! A fluttery, wavy, unknown feeling. I know it's tiny N.
Books say it's normally still another month before you can feel the baby. But a search on the web told me that it's definitely possible if you are very slender and/or very sensitive. And the discussion boards showed me that I'm really not the only one feeling something this early on.
So maybe that's why I almost swam 2 km this morning! I had a little extra propeller :-) !

Hands, fingers, toes,...

It's all there!
Today was "the first ultrasound" - the one that is done at 3 months.
Tiny N appears to be okay - all body parts are in place, and the first measurements don't give any reason to worry. It's still waiting for the final results (of the blood analyses) - but so far, so good.
We also got an image in 3D, which was really impressive.
Our baby is now about the same size as our dwarf hamster :-)

Holy cow!

I got pregnant the weekend I put up the Christmas tree.
I found out I was pregnant on Christmas.
And now I'm going on holiday to the Holy Land.
This is starting to get a bit creepy, right? Next thing I know, some angel will be flying into my living room, claiming it was an immaculate conception.

Test, test, test

I'm going crazy.
Thursday is the big "12-weeks-ultrasound" sceduled. In other words: the nuchal fold-test, combined with a blood test, combined with the mother's age (auch) to see what the chances are that the baby has Down-syndrome, or some other chromosomal problems.
And I feel so damned scared. I've bursted out in tears several times this evening - and going on the internet to find some comfort had the opposite effect : one horror-story after the other.
If something's wrong with tiny N...I just can't take it.  Yep, there we go..crying again.
I HATE all this testing.

growing pains

Hmm, my body is changing quite rappidly these days, and I don't know how to feel about that. "Insecure" would be a good word. It's pretty weird to look down in the shower, and see that bump - that just won't go away, no matter how hard I try to suck it in. It's all out of my hands now. I can swim, walk, work out all I want...I'm just going to get bigger and bigger.
(how I still haven't gained a single kilo remains a mystery, but I really won't complain about that one)

Finding clothes that don't cut my breath off, is becoming a real mission every morning. (Let alone trying to hide the fact that I'm pregnant - which is becoming almost impossible). So this weekend, after my mom saw how my trousers created an almost perfect muffin-top, she decided it was time to take me to the "future moms' store".

Yes, I definitely looked pregnant, now that my belly finally had some room in the right kind of clothes. I was just getting used to the sight of myself in the mirror, when the sales woman put another, fake, pregnant-belly under my shirt, so that I could have an idea what it would look like in a few months. Wow.

So there it is - I'm starting to look pregnant, and I have the maternity clothes to deal with it on a practical level. Now some support and reassurance on an emotional level would be more than welcome. (instead of weird looks that say "wohoh shit, she's getting big" - or is that just my imagination?)

Yawn

Sleepless nights, nightmares about giving birth, a certain hormone at its peak this week, a couple of bodyparts hurting like hell, etc. In other words: tiny N is sucking all energy out of me at the moment. This morning I nearly didn't make it to work.
It would be nice to get a bit of extra attention right now, to get pampered a bit. But P is working insane hours, and hasn't been home before 11 PM one single night. So I guess I'm not the only one who's feeling exhausted. Thank god it's weekend. I could so use a nice big glass of red wine right now. (don't worry, I won't).

So..those were my five minutes of complaining of the day. Other than that, I'm still happy as can possibly be with my 4cm-baby!

Take a sip

So you can't eat / drink a list of things that's as long as the door of your fridge.
You can't cuddle your cats, work in the garden or have close encounters with little children or elderly people.
Forget left-overs, or anything that's not baked until it's black or overcooked. Or scrubbed clean until all the taste is gone.
Okay, I'm getting used to all of that. Kind of.
But then today I found out that the water I've been drinking gallons of is "not suited for pregnant women"; too many nitrates or something. Tab water is out of the question too. And that, dear readers, was the proverbial last straw. There's only so much a girl can take.
Fine, I'll stay off the tiramisu and chocolate mousse. Allright, I'll leave the wine. Forget spaghetti carbonara. No more coffee, whatever. But can I just have any goddamn glass of water, without having to scan the entire bottle for how many of what minerals? Jeeezzz. Enough already.

4 cm, 10 weeks

I had another look at tiny N today! She/he is really looking like a mini-human now, with legs, feet, arms, hands, head, belly and everything! Moving around, wriggling from left to right, not staying still for one moment.
Ever since I'm back from the doctor, I can't stop looking at my belly and touching it - to have this tiny baby in there- it's so unbelievable, so unreal, so amazing...
Other than that, everything seems to be okay. Blood results were good, nothing special to report.
Only one small issue. I've lost weight again - instead of gaining. So I came home, and did the right thing. I started baking waffles. Tiny N is 50% Belgian, after all.

Spilling a few beans

You  know what one of the best things about this pregnancy is , so far?
The reactions of some good friends. Friends who, on more than one occasion, have listened to my desperate complaints on how "I was never going to be a mom, and might just as well give up on the whole idea". Old friends, and new friends.
One friend even got teary eyes because she was so happy for me. That while I, one year ago, walked out of her birthday brunch, after her pregnancy announcement.

2 weeks to go, and then the beans can spilled on a larger scale. I really can't wait. The not telling-part is so hard on me!
-What, N, no fresh icecream?!?
-Uhm, no, I've turned allergic to raw eggs overnight.
-N - no wine, sure?
- No, I'm still recovering from Newyear's...
- But you didn't drink anything on Newyear's!!
- Oh, yeah, I meant Christmas...
And then there's the litlle bump (and the Pamela Anderson-imitation) - I want people to stop thinking I'm just getting fat!
2 more weeks....

9 weeks

Voilà, there she/he is : tiny N!  9 weeks old, the size of a large grape.
I found this picture on the web - and thought it terribly cute. Until I started reading a bit further. Apparently, this tiny dol is given to women who consider an abortion, to "help" them in taking a decision.
I don't know how to feel about this. Sure, you don't have to deny the truth: this is your baby at 9 weeks. But on the other side: every woman has to decide what's best for her. There can be many reasons why having a baby is not the best option. I believe that having to take such a decision is already hard enough in itself, why make it even harder?

Anyway; I'm still happily pregnant (and an emotional pinball), and next week I'll get another peek at tiny N!

Bump

Over the last two months, my pea's pod more than doubled in size. From the size of  a small egg to an oversized grapefruit. So yes, it's already getting pretty crowded below the waistline. My belly feels thight and too small, with lots of strange pulling, pushing, stretching sensations going on. And with, as of this week, a little visible bump.
Other than that, it's now 3 o'clock in the morning, and I'm too nauseous to sleep. (although the rest of the week I felt fine and hungry the whole time).
We've also passed the two-months milestone, so during the next few weeks tiny N will grow even faster than before. And my little bump as well :-)

A mom needs a mom

I cannot imagine being a mom without my mom. I need her - more than ever.
Today, we learned that the months of heavy chemo-therapy haven't done a single thing. And I just can't take it. She's been fighting for almost three years now.
Why can't we just be happy, and look forward to tiny N - without having to worry if my mom will still be with us...It's all so unfair. Tiny N needs two grannies, and I really need a mom.

First lullaby

Yesterday evening, while going to bed.

N humming silently to tiny N

“little baby, little baby, grow little baby, grow, grow, grow…”

<Insert sound : loud screeching brakes of sports car>

“ I mean, okay, uhm, grow, but not too much okay? Try to stay as small as possible, plenty of time to grow, you know, *afterwards*. Okay? Deal?”

Science-fiction

Another being (alive!) is growing inside of you. It entirely lives on your resources, and it gradually sucks up all your energy. It even makes you sick from time to time.

Let's be honest: it's the plot of numerous sience-fiction movies, in which an alien uses your body as a pod until it's grown full-size and can take over. Only the people closest to you notice that there's something "slightly wrong" - but by then it's too late. "Invasion of the body snatchers" - sounds familiar?

In real life, all of this is called "being pregnant". There's this tiny creature hiding in your belly, and it's causing major havoc. Telling  you what to eat and what not. Making you go to bed at 8 PM. Playing with your emotions. Etc, etc.

From time to time I still think it's too weird to be true, and I'll  wake up any minute. Which would be a shame, 'cause I already love my little alien body snatcher.

Spotty

I’ve never been this spotty in my whole damn life. Nope, not even as a teenager. And guess what? There isn’t a thing I can do about it. Even a lot of over the counter anti-acne creams have ingredients that can be harmful for the baby.

So what advice does the worldwide web give?

- wash your face every day (oh! that’s a new concept!)

- buy  facial cream from an unknown brand “Bellie” for only 22 $  (right…)

- Don’t use products with vitamin A or retinol in them (can also be harmful)

- “Don’t worry. It’s normal” (yeah, that will make it go away overnight)

- Drink lots of water (I drink gallons of water, and the only effect is even more sprints to the bathroom)

Voilà – as I told you: not a thing I can do about it. And I guess getting more desperate every time I look in the mirror doesn’t help either.

1.2 cm

I'm still too overwhelmed (and by now too tired) to write anything sensible. P and I saw and heared tiny N today - for the first time. We heared the heart beat, and we clearly saw the little creature of 1.2 cm on the ultrasound. This is the second time in my life that my breath was literally taken away (first time was when a huge whale swam under our tiny rubber boat in Argentina).

P managed to be there for this first encounter. In between meetings, and with his crazy schedule. Making me the happiest girl in the world.

So it's real. It's there. I can't deny it anymore. I'm really pregnant!

11-1-11

I could've picked no better date for the FIRST visit to the gyneacologist.
And I'm very scared and very nervous.

Swimming and cycling

Two other "firsts" as a pregnant girl this weekend.
This morning : swimming, together with P. It went great! I felt in supershape, and did no less than 60 laps.
This afternoon : cycling through Brussels. I was terrified and very close to tears. In short: it was aweful. I was just so scared of falling, of getting hit by a car, ... P didn't really get it, and well, neither did I (because I concider myself an experienced cyclist in Brussels). Fact is that I felt very afraid on my bike...

In the mean time, tiny N has tiny arms and tiny legs. Even tiny fingers and tiny toes.

Grandparents to be

Et voilà, all the grandparents now know that they are going to be grandparents! P's mom already knew, and today I told my parents - who are simply over the moon. My mom asked me about five times today "this isn't a dream, isn't it? I'm not dreaming this, right?" - which sums about up how I still feel sometimes about tiny N.

Other "big events" of today: some parts of me now positively look like Pamela Anderson. Baywatch here I come. My mom bought me a beautiful outfit in my favourite shop (belly-proof). And I finally found black boots that I like (and that fit!). Woohoo, sexy momy in the making ;-) !

The best way to loose those extra Holiday-pounds

is to get pregnant. I know this is short-term, but really.
This morning I effortlessly fitted into my skinny jeans. I'm swimming around in my normal jeans. (only my bra's refuse to participate in this game, and keep getting smaller and smaller).

It's not hard to figure out: I can barely eat. No, I'm not hunched over the toilet (yet), and most of the time I feel quite okay. But I haven't felt hungry in days. I just don't feel like eating - and when I do, whatever I've eaten is bound to play around in my stomach the whole day. Add to this the whole list of things that I'm not allowed to eat anymore, and "food" is becoming quite an issue.
So for more than a week now, dinner has been yoghurt and a whole grain cookie. An the occasional apple. And my pregnancy-vitamines. Lunch is usually a few bites more of the lightest thing I can find, and which doesn't contain any lettuce, raw meat, fish, etc.

Thank God all the sites and books claim this is "normal" - and there's no need to feel guilty. Right now I still need to have breakfast. All I could manage so far was a cup of tea. I think I'll go for another yoghurt. (never ate so many yoghurts in my goddamn life - hell, I didn't even like yoghurt before!).

How to tell your employer you're pregnant

You don't.
You just bump into him in your local library, your arms filled with pregnancy-books.
Then you smile sheepishly and says something along the lines of  "yeah, 2011 will be an interesting year!"

Lentil

Tiny N is growing fast! According to my internet-calculator, he/she is now 6 weeks, and the size of a lentil. Looking very much like your average tadpole (things can only improve, right?). I'm counting the days until my first doctor's visit, which is next week Tuesday. I have sooo many questions!

Today, I went to the gym for the second time as a "pregnant woman". Which means I'm tired twice as fast, and I can do about half of my work-out. But I won't give up! I need muscle-power! (and okay, the belly can grow huge all it wants, but can my butt please stay more or less the way it is and not expand anymore?)

I also went to the supermarket. Gagging all the way through the bakery department, and trying to block the smells covering my face with my scarf (yes, I got weird looks). God, how I hate bread these days.

One more thing: I think my mom is on to me. Or why else would she ask "how are you feeling today?" every single time I have her on the phone? Why else would she have given me all of my medical documents "because they were still in my old desk, and maybe I'd need them?". I'm telling you: she knows. Like she always does when I try to hide something from her.

Side-effects

- Thank God, the bathroom-marathons have ended. Although not completely.
- When I'm too active, I get hit by a wave of diziness, and I'm feeling slightly nauseous.
- Me running down the stairs must be a funny sight, 'cause I can't do it anymore without holding my boobs.
- I can get really hungry - then I eat two bites, and I feel like I've had three courses.
- I hate bread. And for a person who used to live on sandwiches, believe me, that's not convenient.
- Green tea goes the same way as bread.
- I can't stand the perfume anymore my mom has been wearing for more than 20 years
- That being said: my already sensitive nose has even doubled its capacity to pick up nasty smells. Dog poo on the street? Don't worry - I won't step into it. I smell it from 10 metres away. But taking the subway, tram or bus has become a nightmare.
- Cramps, and more cramps. As if I'm going to get my period any minute. Apparently that's normal. Just things growing and making more space down there.
- And what about "fatigue"? Hell, no. I wonder what my adrenaline levels have been the past few weeks. I cleaned out every single cupboard, closet, and wardrobe in the house. Sleep is a very rare thing, and white nights are the rule rather than the exception
- I look so pale that people don't stop asking me whether I'm ill.
- Last but not least: I'm cold ALL the time. Even with 5 layers of clothing and a fleece blanket.

Communication

Today, without realizing what I was doing, I talked for the first time to tiny N. About food.
I had been craving pizza for days. Today, I had a free lunch break = perfect pizza-opportunity.  After I was done, I put my hand on my belly, looked down, and said : "there, tiny N, you finally had your pizza. Happy now?"
Only to realize a fraction of a second later "shit, what am I doing?".
Not that I don't want to "bond". I just want to play it save. We haven't reached the three-months milestone yet, and well...a lot can go wrong.

Expecting unexpectedly

Getting pregnant completely unexpected is no small thing.
There are moments that I really don't know what to do.
Tomorrow Christmas Holidays are over, and it's back to work. How will I do that now that my brains have stopped working?
Tiny N is now the size of a sesame seed, and has a microscopic beating heart (or so they say).